Chapter 5-the eerie place that i can never pronounce

On the road again....My appreciation of Ontario has grown by leaps and bounds this time across-it still takes forever, but somehow the endlessness has a grace to it, and every bend in the highway that afforded a new glimpse at Lake Superior cranked open a little more space in that tight, scared heart of mine. I could feel something start to trickle in from the outside world-I didn't yet know what it was, but something was changing in me and how I related to the world.

Pukashwa Provincial Park was my next destination, I believe it is pronounced Pukusaw-but even when I said it that way, nobody knew what I was talking about, was incredible. Again, as most of my stops seemed to be, it was entirely devoid of human life. I wandered through the empty teepees, and walked along the shore with only the wind and the weight of the water as companions. It felt so lonely there-but I understood it, as I was lonely too. There seems to be a strange kind of beauty in loneliness-like being on a wuthering heights film set-standing on the moors-skirts flying, hand on my brow, what's his name Oh yeah-Heathcliff) long gone.......

The group of seven loved to paint there-and some of the views had plaques of their paintings that depicted what was in front of me. I had planned to camp the night, but somehow the silence, and how far it was off the beaten track unnerved me. I was to visit it twice more that year-once with a son and once with a lover...each time it was empty, and each time it whispered something secret into my ear.

Next up...Chapter 6-the prairies! How teeny tiny and insignificant am I?....

One more Detour! Here comes the Beluga!

So...Sorry for the delay in posting-I was really sad and a bit overwhelmed to find out that the Blue Whale has been sent to the bottom of the deep blue sea-and it felt weird to write on the blog that involved her so much. Turns out she was was unfixable-her frame was bent. Also, as I was using a rental, it was dinged in a parking lot, so I have an insurance claim on that too...Needless to say, I was feeling a little unwelcome in this part of the world-and was seriously doubting my sanity and decisions. Granted, I am pushing the box a bit these days, but I hadn't realized how lost I would feel without a teammate (husband). Being homeless for almost a year, never being anywhere for more than two months at a time was a bit stressful-but at least I had my car, which became like a little apartment, and a security blanket of sorts- When that went, I felt a little lost.

I know there are a lot worse things in the world, but i have to say here, that i loved that car, and I am SO grateful that it carried me across the country 3 times last year and gave me such security and comfort. It also broke it's back while I walked away without a scratch. So...goodbye you great little car who was so much more than I car.

Without further ado, let me introduce you to a close cousin of the Blue Whale-the Beluga!
She is white-she has tinted windows, she is almost the same as her cousin-my number one priority for a new car was that I could sleep in it-and so I shall!

Chapter 4-Northern Ontario

I remember crossing ontario at 18 years old and it seemed endless and boring. Not this time though. It still seemed endless, but incredibly beautiful. I was excited about getting to the provincial parks I wanted to stay at,  on the shores of the great lakes. The first was Pancake Bay-I actually ended up camping there 2 more times on my travels, hardly anyone there each time. I was pretty happy about the pancake Restaurant that was sure to be nearby, but no such luck. What i did find nearby was a "trapper'. Yes, a real live trapper. I didn't think they existed anymore, but, like many other iconic figures i would meet during the course of the year-caver, gold panner, lumberjack, etc...he was a real live canadian classic. 

Ontario Icon Man #1: When I spoke to him, he had just got back from James Bay, where he traps every winter, sometimes not seeing another human for months at a time! I asked him if that was hard-that he must miss companionship-but he just grunted-I'm not sure what that meant. It could mean yes, it could mean no, or even something much deeper that i'm not able to understand. Probably, when you're alone so much, a grunt covers a much larger emotional terrain than we are accustomed to. When he got back from the traplines in the spring, the first thing he always did was begin to carve bears out of wood. I don't have a picture of the man, but here are some of his bears. Below that is Pancake Bay. Do you see a Pancake Restaurant? I didn't either!

Ontario Icon Man #2. This man came later in the trip, actually two voyages across Canada later. I think i can only manage one Icon Man section though, so he is included here.

This man owned an incredibly ancient campground, that i camped at (only person!) and he told me how he had a bear problem and killed 13 bears so far this year. His neighbour had killed at least eleven. He put the skulls up on fenceposts around his property to deter other bears from coming on in...Yes, it's true, the icons aren't the gentlest of men. 

Ontario Icon man #3: I didn't realize there were so many amethysts in Ontario. This man collected them and his yard and home were stockpiled with amethysts that he sold to passersby. Every nook and cranny...Also, he built himself an indoor pool, but he just dug a hole in the ground and built a shed around it. 

Coming up next....a eerie, beautiful place I can never pronounce

Wounded Whale!

Sorry, yet another detour to the present day. In a blog about my car and I, I have to share the news that the Blue Whale was wounded while stopped at a light on the highway. It was a foggy, slippery morning, but I guess the lady behind me was going too fast...I was daydreaming and idling  at the light when-wham! My back end was crunched in. I'm fine, but the poor car had to get towed to a garage in Nanaimo-about three hours from Tofino-where I was headed. It is still there, I am here in Tofino with a rented car-but I'm thinking about it all the time.

Sooo...I'm going to share some other gory details-like how I had been constipated for three (4?) days-while I'm waiting for the tow truck on the busy highway, the happy moment I was waiting for presented itself-time to go! So-I run off into the woods at the side of the road, (after comforting the sobbing lady who was upset because she felt she ruined my vacation) luckily it was foggy, but still....then I was dogged with the opposite of constipation the whole three hours to Tofino-and running off into the forest multiple times. (No TP-only leaves!) Needless to stay, I was a bit of a mess, no public bathrooms were open, or there were none because I was in the middle of the wilderness!!

The good news is in between my bathroom breaks-actually sometimes during my bathroom breaks I got to look at this!

Chapter Three: A sllight detour

Detour-Papers lost and papers found

So....here I am almost 9 months later in Victoria, in the tiny bedroom in the hostel. I met a nice man the other day, and helped him look for blundstones. (You know, those nice aussie boots). He seemed really sweet, and said he wanted to go to Tofino to the hotsprings. I said "Well. Eddie, I'm going this coming Sunday, would you like a ride?"He was pretty happy about that, as he has no car. I took his number and promised to call so we could go for a coffee first-to make sure he wasn't a maniac. And for him to make sure I wasn't one. (Well, I suppose I am....).

Anyway, of course I throw his phone number out with my bank statement at the CIBC. I go back this morning on the slim chance the garbage was still in the little receptacle by the instant teller. I, wisely, I thought, asked the security guard to oversee the operation, so he wouldn't arrest me. Couldn't find it though. I feel badly that he'll be all excited to go, but I won't call. Dumb, dumb.

After searching for my lost slip of paper, I went running along the shoreline, stopped to stretch and came across someone else's lost, or discarded note. This one looked far more interesting. Note the words: Dire Survival. I hardly ever use those words in my notes. I can only imagine how exciting the rest of it was. Anyway...interesting, isn't it, how messages ebb and flow, come to light and hide from sight.

Chapter Three: Looking for Space

Detour

Once in a while, I'm planning on putting some poetry, or thoughts, or a drawing that seems timely and appropriate in these posts. Last night I was thinking...what does one do with love that's unwanted-given but not received? It seems a waste somehow. I think I'll keep it, and try to give it out in some other way eventually.

The love he didn’t want is like a warm puddle on the asphalt at the public pool. 

I wallow in it-face down-the smell of it-like summer, like memories and expectation, tinged faintly with the odour of urine.

Hot, black crumbs of asphalt are embedded in my cheek and I like it. My whole world seems a warm puddle, and love lies all around me, unclaimed. Leaking out of me or leaking in? The borders are unclear.

The length of my skinny girl soul lies still and in perfect awareness of the love that is is for me-not him.

Okay-Detour Over

What I longed for, what I craved, was open space. I saw myself stepping forwards into vastness-something far bigger than my world had become. Motherhood, wifeliness, domestic balance...none of these things was needed of me anymore, but I was stuck in it. Sometimes I could hear myself from some other corner of my being, and I sounded like someone noone was listening to-even I wasn't listening. If elevator music had a face, that would've been me!

So...vastness, emptiness, wide open spaces-what could be batter than the canadian west? I wanted the weight of the great lakes, and the simplicity of an endless, flat horizon line. I wanted to be swallowed up by the sky, and to remember how amazing and miraculous the world was. I wanted to open a door in me that allowed the world in, and me out. 

First stop, after meeting my good friend Anne for lunch in Ottawa, was Deep River. I was nervous, my first night in the Blue Whale, and felt strange in amongst all the trailers and motor homes. On the other hand, I felt surrounded by big brothers and sisters, and everyone knows, only decent middle class people live in motor homes-right? Most of my trip, when provincial parks and campgrounds were curiously empty, I would seek out a big, friendly trailer to snuggle my whale up to. 

Chapter Two: It's All About the Coffee!!!

I spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out how I would manage to have a good cup of coffee in the mornings while I was living in transit. I knew sometimes I'd have no power access, and i couldn't find a car charger strong enough to boil a kettle. I got a propane tank, but was scared to bring it-I imagined blowing myself up by accident. Yes, I was full of fear-I freely admit it.

Finally after much running around, debating, and consultation with experts, I bought a little white kettle, a giant tin of coffee, and my old cafetiere that was missing it's handle. I stowed the kettle and the cafetiere in secret compartments in the back of my car, and every morning, no matter what, I found a power outlet to boil the water for my coffee. Once I had to hike twenty minutes down a mountain in the rain where i was warned that cougars were prowling (maybe looking for coffee?)

So...I'd get my coffee made, snuggle back into the german/russian boy sleeping bag, sip my precious brew and write in my journal.

After solving the coffee problem, I was ready to leave-I decided on May18th as a likely sounding departure date, and decided to go out west-to Nelson, BC. Why Nelson? I never heard of the place until recently, yet both my sons had lived there-one was still there, and i wanted to see him before he came back to Quebec. Lucky for me, I work on a laptop, and my company was open to me charging around the country in my whale. I was ready to go, I said my goodbyes and promised to be back in 2-3 months. I figured that would be enough time for my husband to realize his grave mistake, and to fly out west to declare his renewed love for me. Probably, I thought, he'd come after me before I got out of Quebec. And so,  off I went-into the wild, blue yonder. Terrified, but determined that something would change in my life. The only way i could see to change it was to break out of the box I was living in and step out into the big, wide world.

Next up....Setting out! How many provincial Parks can I stop at, and...does anybody live in Canada?

Chapter One: What????

Chapter 1-What??????

Okay-I want to start this blog at the beginning, almost a year ago, when my husband of 24 years told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. Hey...it happens to the best of us. I had never had a broken heart before, maybe no life is complete without one.

I bought a used car last year-turns out it is my perfect car/home. I call it the Blue Whale, because it's roomy, I feel safe sleeping in it, and it's almost always moving these days. I recommend a car big enough to sleep in for every woman. The freedom of pulling into a campground, or a supermarket parking lot and being able to snuggle up without paying a lot of money, without setting up a tent, without lugging around a giant motor home is a great feeling. (The tinted windows help too!). Also, a little later, I discover that the Blue Whale can also be very romantic. Actually, romantic is not the right word. Let's say incredibly hot and steamy. More later. Sorry.

So...after the "not sure if I'm loved" revelation, I looked out at my Blue Whale from my laundry room window, (I'm pretty sure it looked back at me knowingly), and we started a new phase of life together. I made some screens using  magnetic tape, and am able to roll my windows down. I borrowed a small foam mattress from a friend (hope she doesn't want it back anytime soon...), and for extra comfort, an ugly but cheap lawn chair mattress to go on top. I lay my sleeping bag, (given to me by a young german/russian man who stayed with us last winter) reverently on top of this princess and the pea style setup. Beside my bed area, on the folded down seats, is arranged my gigantic red suitcase, my plastic bin with cutlery, bowls, bear spray, pepper spray, a loud whistle, and a swiss army knife. No, I'm not paranoid, really.

My Blue Whale was now becoming like a ship...everything had a place. Beloved books under the passenger front seat, cd's under the driver's. maps in the back seat pocket, flashlights and batteries in the other. In the days, months (years?) to come-I loved feeling slightly organized in a disorganized life. When I lay me down at night, in an unknown campsite, I hung my flashlight from the ceiling with a bungee cord, put the pepper spray within reach, as well as my homeopathic sleeping tablets. (After all, If I have to spray someone/something at a moments notice, I'd like to be able to get back to sleep afterwards.) I rolled my window down a max of 6 inches on the suitcase side of the room (yes, room!) so that a big, muscular, hairy arm couldn't reach me as it reached blindly in from the depths of the deep dark forest).  My flip flops were positioned perfectly, facing away from the car, to facilitate my middle of the night toilet trips. Note to self: Plan where these trips will be beforehand. Neighbouring RV's don't like puddles on their front steps

next up....It's all about the Coffee!!!